Dear Dumb Guy: What’s the proper way to pronounce “baguette”? Is it bag-ETTE or BAG-ette? - Crusty in Chicago

Dear Chicago: Neither one is correct; in fact, most people mispronounce this word. It is actually four syllables, with an r-sound that isn’t in the spelling. Proper pronunciation is bag-ARR-dee-ette.

Dear Dumb Guy: I tivoed the new “Knight Rider” movie the other night. Before I watch it, is there anything I need to know about the original? - Psyched in Philly

Dear Philly: Let me tell you this first and foremost: Knight Rider kicks everybody right square in the ass. If you’ve got an ass, consider it kicked. KITT rules!

Okay, the backstory. KITT is the talking car, and it was built by the Knight Foundation, which was formed by a rich old dude in response to these monstrous alien ships appearing in the sky all around the world. They were big, round, silver things, and there were aliens on them who said they came in peace.

Well, this Knight dude didn’t quite buy it, so he started working on the car. Turns out he was right to do so, because the aliens were actually lizards who were here to eat us. Their home world had run out of food - something about a moon exploding and throwing the weather all whack - and they look at Earth and say, “Hot damn … all you can eat!”

So anyway, the original “Knight Rider” was on the air four seasons, and was chiefly concerned with the talking car fighting the lizard aliens. From what I’ve seen of the new one, they don’t mention the aliens at all, which is pretty disappointing. I still hope that they’ll reference the famous “bombing a parking lot with frozen turkeys” scene from the original.

Dear dumb guy: I need to write a paper on Ben Franklin. Can you tell me who he was, and why he was so important? - Homework help in Houston

Dear Houston: Ben Franklin is often referred to as the “Father of our country,” as he was the original writer of the U.S. Constitution. He’s also the inventor of electricity, and holds the patent for the port-a-pot. So the next time you’re taking a crap in a plastic phone booth that smells like fifteen kinds of ass, remember that you have Ben Franklin to thank.

Does it seem like I have issues with Ben Franklin? Yeah, hell yeah, I do. Mom’s boyfriend always used to dress up like Franklin on Friday nights, mixing up drinks in the bathroom sink and making me and sis dance for him. You’d have issues with Ben Franklin too, thanks very much.

Dear dumb guy: How do microphones work? - Science project is due tomorrow

Dear science project: You know, for the longest time, I always assume they operated in an organic fashion - that is, I thought there were little dudes inside microphones that recorded what you said, and then repeated it later. But do you know what? I did some research, and that’s not true at all!

It turns out that the real workhorse inside a microphone is something called a polymer, a tiny charged particle that bounces around inside the little glass shell just below the microphone’s grill. When you speak into a microphone, the ions in your breath interact with the polymer, changing its electrical charge; that electrical charge is then transferred to the glass, which is then read by an electrostatic plate. When it comes time to play back the recorded sound, an electrical signal reads the contents of that plate.

It’s crazy complicated but it works, and that’s what really counts. Isn’t science incredible?

Dear dumb guy: I love pizza. Can you tell me where it originated? - Culinarily curious in Chicago

Dear Chicago: Pizza! Yeah buddy! That’s some damn good eating there!
Pizza has a really interesting history, and it starts off in 19th-century France. We begin in the court of the Eleventh Earl of Stromboli, a passionate poker player who whiled away many a night at the table. He was also a portly gentleman - corpulent, you might say - and he liked his vittles. But he didn’t want to get up from the game.

So he calls to his chef and says, “Chef, come here … and make me something I can eat with one hand!” Chef dispatched himself to the kitchen, found some leftover bread dough, and had the brilliant idea of a savory pie.

His first efforts weren’t very appetizing - aubergine and tapioca pizza sucked then, and still does - but eventually he landed on the classic combination of tomato sauce, basil and mozzarella cheese. He named this after his wife Margaret; you may have heard of “pizza Margaret,” still served today.