Dear Dumb Guy: I’ve done it – I’ve waited until Christmas Eve to buy something for my wife. She’s in her late 30’s, we have no children, she loves music … but I don’t want to do anything lame like an iTunes card or a gift certificate to a music store. What should I do? – Procrastinator in Piedmont

Dear Piedmont: I feel your pain, brother. Mrs. Dumb Guy doesn’t know it yet, but she’s getting a year’s worth of Omaha Steaks, and that’s just because they’ll let me do the gift card online and make it look like I ordered it two weeks ago.

Now, I don’t know your wife – at least I think I don’t, but it’s hard to say, kinda lost count if you know what I’m saying! and I totally think you do – but I’ve yet to meet a lady that doesn’t enjoy pornography. I’m not talking about the tame stuff they show on Cinemax at night. I’m talking about the freaky stuff, the kind that would make a Japanese guy say “Um, that’s a bit much, thanks anyway.”

So there you go. Google yourself some crazy-ass porn, pop some popcorn, and get ready for the warm glow that comes from a wife who knows she is appreciated for who she is and what she means to you.