Dear Dumb Guy: My new puppy is hyperactive, and can’t sit still for even a moment. Is there anything I can do about this? - New Mom in Minnesota

Dear Minnesota: I went through the exact same thing you’re going through now, just a few years ago. And when I say “exact same thing,” I really mean the exact same thing, except it was a pot-bellied pig and he was incontinent. Same thing.

Anyways, here’s what I discovered, so write this in your book and underline it: Dogs love the music of John Tesh. Something about his composition, his keyboard tones, his tempos … dogs find it irresistible. They’ll sit and stare at the speakers for hours, calm and happy as if everything was right in the world.

(Please note that Tesh is the crucial part of this, not New Age music in general. Yanni or Kitaro will cause most dogs to crap on the couch.)