Dear dumb guy: I need to write a paper on Ben Franklin. Can you tell me who he was, and why he was so important? - Homework help in Houston

Dear Houston: Ben Franklin is often referred to as the “Father of our country,” as he was the original writer of the U.S. Constitution. He’s also the inventor of electricity, and holds the patent for the port-a-pot. So the next time you’re taking a crap in a plastic phone booth that smells like fifteen kinds of ass, remember that you have Ben Franklin to thank.

Does it seem like I have issues with Ben Franklin? Yeah, hell yeah, I do. Mom’s boyfriend always used to dress up like Franklin on Friday nights, mixing up drinks in the bathroom sink and making me and sis dance for him. You’d have issues with Ben Franklin too, thanks very much.