Dear dumb guy: How did all of the different languages of the world originate? - Curious in Cincinnati

Dear curious: Some things in this world are open for interpretation. Luckily for you, this is not one of them, for we have a definitive answer from a definitive source: the Bible.

There once was a man named Abraham, and he had a son named Isaac. God wanted to test Abraham, so he inflicted him with boils and frogs and such. Then, he said “Hey Abe, do you really love me? ‘Cause if you do, you’ll sacrifice your son.”

So Abraham climbs to the top of the Tower of Babel, where he sacrifices Isaac. God is so pleased with Abraham’s actions that he blesses all of the different people of the world with their own language.

You should read your Bible more, kid!