Dear dumb guy: My wife’s 40th birthday is coming up. What should I get her? – Fretting in Frisco

Dear Fretting: I’m clearly at a disadvantage having never met your wife. Or maybe not – she might be totally insufferable, in which case I’m glad I haven’t met her. Or perhaps she has really flaky skin. I hate that, it gives me the creeps.

But I’ll tell you this, there are three words that describe the perfect gift for any woman, flaky skin or bad breath or whatever. You ready for these three words? Because they’re gonna change your life, my man … lower back tattoo.

Truly, there is not a lady in this world that wouldn’t swoon at the thought of her Lothario (that’s a Shakespeare character from Don Quixote, he was a really great lover) buying her an asshat. Maybe a flying pig with flames coming out the nose. Or better yet, some whimsical text – like, “I’m with stinky,” then a big arrow pointing down at the butt crack.