Dear dumb guy: What’s the origin of the phrase “swizzle stick”? - Imbibing in Ithaca

Dear Ithaca: Sounds like somebody’s getting their dranky drank on! Pour me one, would you?

The Swizzle Stick was invented in 1880 by Dr. Hereford Schtupp-Oxcart von Swizzle, a Dutch botanist who studied the growth of mold on oranges and fruit flies. Not only was he a fine scientist, he was a fine mixologist, credited with inventing (among other things) the Uneven Bars, a drink made largely from leftover mixers that nobody wanted, and the Helga-Put-The-Hurt, a monstrosity built upon vodka, gin and prune juice that will make you hate your own life.

Anyway, the story goes that he made a pitcher of Helga-Put-The-Hurts (or would that be Helgas-Put-The-Hurt? I dunno) for some friends one night, a batch that was so bad it ate through the wooden spoon he used to stir it. He quickly fashioned a longish piece of metal from his lab and used it to stir the thick, gloppy stuff, and the swizzle stick was born. Along with countless upset stomachs.

Dear Dumb Guy: Do you think that “Crush Velvet” is a good name for a metal/rock band? - Logan in Laramie

Dear Laramie: Well, it would be - if it wasn’t already taken! Crush Velvet was a pivotal band on the 1970’s Milwaukee punk scene. They had two successful U.S. tours with labelmates Agnostic Front and The Dypshytz, a period that is still considered the high-watermark of midwestern white-boy angst.

After that they “sold out” and switched their sound to down-tempo, then drum-and-bass, then grindcore, back to punk, back to down-tempo, then into a brief flirtation with reggae and dancehall, all before ending up in their current incarnation: a lounge band called The Shypdytz (featuring the lone surviving member of The Dypshytz).

Now, I’ll tell you what name isn’t taken - Crushed Velveeta! That’s a sweet-ass rock band name if ever I heard one!

Dear Dumb Guy: I have heard several people mention something called “Rosebud,” and they use it in such a way to suggest that it’s some kind of secret they can’t reveal. What is it? - Curious in Connecticut

Dear Connecticut: First of all: SPOILER ALERT! In the course of answering your question, I’m about to give away the ending of a cinema classic. Read on if you dare.

Dear Dumb Guy: My boyfriend says he wants to do something called a “Cleveland Steamer,” but he won’t tell me what that is. I’m more than a little apprehensive. Should I be? - Not a Prude in Pennsylvania

Dear Prude: No worries! It’s just refreshing to see that romance is alive and well. First, a little history: The Cleveland Steamers were that city’s major-league baseball franchise in the 1940s and 1950s. They weren’t particularly good, but one of their players was - Buffy McJohns, who was not only an outstanding center-fielder but a guy with a huge public persona.

McJohns couldn’t go anywhere without a flock of lovely ladies on each arm, that was his way. Rugged and good-looking in the old style, McJohns appealed equally to men and women alike. He was a hopeless romantic, and showered all of the women in his life with flowers, gifts and a gateway to the good life.

Today, the “Cleveland Steamer” remains a euphemism for treating a lady right - whether that means a night at the movies and walk under the stars or just pitching in around the house to help with the kids, the cleaning and the laundry.

So don’t worry, Prude - tell your man to steam away. And have fun!

Dear Dumb Guy: My new puppy is hyperactive, and can’t sit still for even a moment. Is there anything I can do about this? - New Mom in Minnesota

Dear Minnesota: I went through the exact same thing you’re going through now, just a few years ago. And when I say “exact same thing,” I really mean the exact same thing, except it was a pot-bellied pig and he was incontinent. Same thing.

Anyways, here’s what I discovered, so write this in your book and underline it: Dogs love the music of John Tesh. Something about his composition, his keyboard tones, his tempos … dogs find it irresistible. They’ll sit and stare at the speakers for hours, calm and happy as if everything was right in the world.

(Please note that Tesh is the crucial part of this, not New Age music in general. Yanni or Kitaro will cause most dogs to crap on the couch.)