Albanian language and leg fingers
Dear Dumb Guy: What is the origin of the Albanian language? I asked my highly educated Albanian friends here in Las Vegas, but they say they don’t know for sure. Also, did you know that ‘toes’ translates into Albanian as ‘leg fingers’; and ‘big toe’ – as ‘leg thumb’? - Lost in Las Vegas
Dear Lost: I did a little bit of research on this question – something I don’t normally need to do – and discovered that in a strange and roundabout way, you’ve answered your own question. You see, it’s the second part of your email that’s the clue …
Your whole “big toe/leg thumb” thing sounded strangely familiar to me, and when I started poking around, I realized why: It’s from Esperanto, the “universal language,” where this construct originates. It’s not just toes, but it extends to all sorts of other parts of the body. Knuckles are “finger knees,” eyes are “head cameras,” bellies are “back fronts.” And it goes without saying, of course, what a “front butt” is on a lady.
So there you have it: Esperanto came first, developed by the United Nations in the 1970s, and the Albanian language derives from it – a fork, if you will. Or, in Esperanto, “food fingers hand-stick.”
Baffled by the British
Dear Dumb Guy: Hating on the British is a global phenomenon. Americans, Australians, the Irish … so many people dislike the Brits. Yet they keep coming at us with the best entertainment on the small-screen. So I guess my question is, how can the British be so lame, but consistently make such awesome television programming? - The not-so-mighty Boosh in Louisville
Dear Louisville: Well, boy, are you opening a can of chutney-infused worms right there. I’m gonna take the high road and ignore all of the stereotypes that your question hints at – the British have bad teeth, their music hasn’t evolved significantly since the 1970s, they started World War II when they invaded Poland.
Those are all incontrovertible facts, but I’m going to leave them be at this time and instead focus on the real answer to your question: We are envious of their cuisine.
British food is synonymous with flavor, style, cutting-edge technique, and the use of the freshest and most appealing ingredients available. French chefs routinely make trips to London to sample the latest innovations in pub fare, taking notes under the table and bringing them back to their bistros where they attempt (in vain, usually) to replicate the magic.
How could we not be resentful of all that?
How do camels have intercourse?
Dear Dumb Guy: How do camels have intercourse? – Mike Hunt
Dear Mike: VERY CAREFULLY! BWWWWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
No, seriously, what’s wrong with you? Did you skip middle school biology? Ordinarily I don’t like to call people out for asking dumb questions, but this one takes the camel-shaped cake! Every person over the age of 10 knows that camels reproduce asexually by dividing into two every seven years. (Take my advice: don’t go on Jeopardy. Waste of your time, bright boy.)
But even though you may not be a source of light, at least you reflect it, because you’ve given me a great idea. Camel-shaped cakes! This would be the most popular thing at any kid’s birthday party ever. It could be a beige cake with peanut butter frosting, and I would eat the hell out of it.
A differential equation, dogs and Bottle Caps.
Dear Dumb Guy: What is the difference between a non-linear second order homogeneous differential equation and an overclocked doggie? And why do the underclocked ones keep trying to repair people’s bottle caps? - ssj4Gogeta in Seattle
Dear Seattle: Let me answer the first part of your question first: Forty bucks, same as in town.
Now, the bottle caps thing. I know, I know. Dogs LOVE Bottle Caps. Mine will eat them right out of the palm of my hand. They prefer the red and green ones – they always leave the orange ones for me, even though they’re all covered with slobber by the time I get them. They also really love Nerds and those chewy Spree things.
What is Wolfram Alpha, and why should I care?
Dear Dumb Guy: I’ve been hearing a lot about something called Wolfram Alpha. What is it? - Googled out in Georgia
Dear Georgia: You’re right, there is a ton of buzz surrounding it – and rightfully so!
“Wolfram: Alpha” is the upcoming prequel to the recent movie “Wolverine,” and it’s gonna be the definitive origin story of the Marvel superhero. It’s currently being produced by Michael Bay.
SPOILER ALERT! I’ve seen an early draft of the script, and hardcore Wolverine fans are not gonna like it. Turns out James Howlett, later dubbed Logan, was born Jamie Howlett – a girl. She had a gender-change surgery at age 18 which went horribly wrong, and that’s why his/her bones are all metal and stuff. He over-compensates later in life by wearing a fake beard.
Told you you weren’t gonna like it! There’s also time travel, but none of that gets resolved until “Wolfram: Beta,” which is tentatively scheduled for 2012.
